Now that I've successfully ended that paragraph... I started this final project three hours before it was due... the "10 page research paper" was now a 4 page "comedy" skit. Just because I like living on the edge, I turned it in three minutes late. I checked my grades today... "A"... not on the paper, but in the class. I fear I may have Midas Syndrome. Anyway. Here is my creative project as is...
As the semester grows closer to an end, students begin to become excited. Not because of the finals. Finals aren’t exciting. If they were, people would start studying for them before the morning the student takes the final. Some of them wait for that morning to learn the whole curriculum, but this is not the source of this excitement. Some people say, “The students are excited because they finally get to go home.” Yet this is even a mask for the true source of excitement. Food! Students are excited for food at home. Yes we get food here… at least that is what they call it, but we have real food at home. I feel as though I was tricked by my kindergarten teacher, see, I was under the impression that as the classes got more difficult, the food got better. Anyway, students are excited for food. I remember a time when I was not so fond of food, at least a few certain articles in particular: olives, mushrooms, and onions.
At large family gatherings, I remember a wide variety of foods. As a child, the platter to avoid is the vegetable platter. Raw veggies are always hard so one must put forth more effort to chew them. The two exceptions to this hard veggie constant are the olive and the mushroom. My aunts and uncles always tried to get the kids in the family to eat the veggies. Their genius plan was to convince us that the olives were not olives, but rather fish eyes. First off, If you want to impress a kid, pick something cuter than slimy scaly fish. Secondly, why would anyone be tastefully attracted to any animal’s eye, let alone an ugly fish’s eye? I’m just glad they didn’t tempt us with ostrich neck or octopus nose. I’m not sure if I would have been able to hold back.
They pulled another trick to try to get us to eat mushrooms. Even today I do not like mushrooms. MUSH is in the name and people refer to bad food as mush. Needless to say, we were well aware of the old notion that “you are what you eat” and our relatives would tell my cousins and myself mushrooms are fungi… so if we ate them, we in turn would be “fun guys” as well. Fungi… Fungus… As I child I’m now thinking, “Wasn’t mom complaining about a foot fungus earlier this week? I don’t want that… I saw what it looks like… no thanks.”
The problem with being a picky eater as a child is you can’t back up your arguments with parents. Parents ask, “Why aren’t you eating your broccoli?” and a Child will say, “Cause I don’t wanna.” So the Parent will ask, “Why not?” And the child will once again say, “Cause I don’t wanna.” Children don’t think beyond what they want.
I was fortunate enough to be a genius at one point in my life. One night my parents ordered a pizza, and despite the demands of my sisters and myself, they tried to sneak a veggie on it. God bless my parents and their valiant efforts… Yes the white onions mix well with the white and yellow hues of the cheese, but the shot heard around the world wouldn’t have masked the crunch of the onions. Needless to say, it didn’t take my young sister very long to discover the deception my parents had just tried to feed us. My little sister almost had HAZMAT on the phone before my parents could state their case. I believe my older sister began making funeral arrangements for my younger sister who took that first onion filled bite.
Before we had them in trouble for child abuse, my mother jumped in, “Just eat the pizza, you can’t even taste the onion.” This was a bold attempt by my mother, but it was also the first of two statements that I would end up using against her in a court of law. Not really, but they would backfire on her. We were not convinced that one could in fact eat a slice of pizza and not taste the onions. My mom stayed strong to her words, “Go on, eat it, you can’t even taste the onions.” It was at this point in my life when I realized my parents did not always plan things through with each other. My father decided his assistance was needed. He grabbed a large wedge of the pizza, with the warm cheese rolling down the sides and a large cloud of steam was billowing from its surface (the pizza not my father). He purposefully made this pizza look like salvation on crust. He slowly lifted the droopy yet glorious piece of art up to his mouth and his tongue started to reach for it. At this point, time itself has stopped to watch this historic event. My sisters and I stared wide-eyed and wet lipped. He took a big bite out of the slice, closed his eyes and a huge smile spread across his face. After enough chews mixed with a couple “mmm’s” to tease us just a little more, he said, “These onions taste SOOO GOOOD!” AHA!
AHA! This was the greatest point of my life at that point. I immediately forgot the beautiful image I had just seen at the mention of the word onion, but I also found the best use of logic of the century. “WAIT A MINUTE!” I now had everyone’s attention. “Mom… you were just told us you can’t even taste the onions… and dad… you just said they taste great.” My parents looked at each other dumbfounded. I was then sent to my room and didn’t eat anything that night.
Kids have it rough. I can think of one person who made it back in the day, but probably wouldn’t have the same luck in our world, this person is none other than Jesus. I can’t imagine what the second coming of Christ might look like nowadays. For instance… when the kid first realizes. “Mom, Dad, we need to talk.” It was tough enough trying to convince my mother I was too sick for school, this kid has to convince his parents he is the son of God.
His parents’ names probably survived up to now: Mary and Joseph. Joseph probably goes by Joe now and Mary goes by Marie. Their journey was probably to a more affordable city because their house in Nazareth was foreclosed. Since he was born into poverty, I imagine Marie and Joe were driving a beat up Pinto. Nothing against the Pinto, but it is the closest thing to a mule like the original story. I could have used the Mustang, but Joe probably traded for a more family “friendly” car. On their journey, this Pinto probably breaks down in a farming community. Now even in farming communities one can still find a hotel and they did. Marie and Joe stop at a Holiday Inn. I have nothing against the Holiday Inn; I just think that the name was appropriate for the day… HOLIDAY. However, They couldn’t get a room… not because the Inn was full, but rather they just sprayed for bedbugs and couldn’t have guests. So they get to spend the night in farmer Frank’s barn. I imagine there were fewer cows and more John Deeres in the barn. One would think when Marie said something like, “Its time,” Joe would have done everything in his power to get her to a hospital. Since the pinto is in the shop, Joe goes for his Boost Mobile pay as you go phone, which is a good plan, but Marie was talking to her sister Elizabeth about her new baby John and used the last of the minutes. So, we fast-forward through the graphic part, just like the bible does. Marie wraps Jesus in a Dickies jacket and lays him in the cabin of a John Deere combine.
Coincidentally, Warren Buffet, Tom Osborne, and Jim Suttle were on a road trip to Kearny, Nebraska. No one knows why they were on this trip, but they were, and they are lost, so they follow the north star towards the same small town Jesus was born in. Upon their arrival, They realize this baby was just born, so they feel the need to give him a gift. Warren Buffet presents him with the north star… because the guy probably does own it. Tom Osborne gives Jesus an autographed football, because he’d be left out as the only Nebraskan without one. (Not true, I don’t have one.) Finally, Jim Suttle doesn’t have a gift for Jesus, but he says he’ll raise taxes so that Jesus can go to school someday. Anyway, later in life, Jesus is throwing a party but realizes he only has two sandwiches. At this point Joe owns his own Jimmy Johns, so with a quick little speed dial, Jesus turned the two sandwiches into enough for the whole party… and in a freaky fast manner as well.
I’ve always wanted to write a theatrical performance based off the dictionary. It would be the first ever play on words. The main plot would be about Funk & Wagnalls either riding their encyclopedia built for two or walking their Thesaurus. They would be walking in the city Dictionary, but it is in the rougher part of town, also known as Urban Dictionary. There is an election going on between Webster and Wiki. The election is almost dead even as Wiki has little to no support for his claims, however, he does have the support of environmentalists. Webster has all of his paperwork together, but he is in a bind. I’m not entirely sure where to go with it, but for now it is on the shelf as the book ends.
Thank you for suffering through this painful skit. In my defense, it definitely might have been more enjoyable in person. Thanks for allowing me to do it.
